Ten Commandments of Clean Communication

Clean communication is an important life skill to learn. In relationships you always need to be conveying your feelings effectively. If you offend the other person or put it in a way where they can't receive the message you are intending to send than you are not achieving what you are wanting to achieve. Therefore is not only in the best interest of the person you are talking with for you to have clean communication but it is also in you own best interest. If you and your partner (in whatever context of relationship we are talking about) can both agree to use clean communication, the relationship can be much healthier and you will both be happier with your conversations. Use the Ten Commandments of Clean Communication to help you convey your feelings more effectively.

 

1. Avoid Judgmental Words and Loaded Terms

Judgmental words and loaded terms are hurtful and really convey to another that they are flawed in some way. These are the putdowns that you know you can use to really push someones buttons.

• Childish behavior...
• Self-involved style of yours...
• Thoughtless as usual...
• Uncooperative attitude... 

Judgmental words like these attack others and undermine their feelings of worth. In the heat of an argument it can be tempting to use these judgmental words as weapons when you are feeling hurt yourself but it won't be helpful to the conversation and it won't make you feel better. It will actually make you feel worse because it was purposeful.

 

2. Avoid Global Labels

Global labels are often generalized and can express strong disapproval of another's identity. These attacks are usually on the person themselves rather than the person's behavior—such as calling someone:

• Lazy
• Stupid
• Crazy
• Useless

These global labels convey to another person that they are bad—not just in that particular moment, but always. No matter who just it may feel to use labels like this, the outcome is only a loss of trust and closeness.

 

3. Avoid "YOU"Messages of Blame and Accusation

A message can be conveyed in different ways, using words like "YOU" and "I" can help change the tone from blaming to informative. The essence of the "YOU" message is this: "I am in pain, you did it to me, and you were bad to do that to me."

"YOU" Message: You always ruin our night by showing up late.

"I" Message: I really like being with you, so it makes me sad when you come home late.

By beginning the sentence with "YOU" you put the other person on defense immediately. Including your own feelings about the situation and why you feel the way that you do helps the other person understand how they are somewhat responsible for how you feel because there is no direct statement that blames them.

 

4. Avoid Old History

Clean communication sticks with the problem at hand, don't get distracted by things that upset you previously. When dealing with a current problem bringing up old history is only going to derail the conversation and prolong the argument.

Example: "You're being ungrateful just like you always are. Remember last month when I helped you build the fence and you never said thank you or told me that you appreciated me? And last summer you did the same thing when I helped you fix your truck. You don't appreciate me."

While the past can sometimes help to provide useful information, bringing up old history can make the other person feel like you are building up a case against them. Remember what your goal is; to discuss the current issue, understand each others viewpoint better, and resolve things in a friendly manner.

 

5. Avoid Negative Comparisons

In clean communication the goal is NOT to make the other person feel bad about themselves. Clean communication is designed to help relationships, not to hurt them.

• "You are so much more controlling than any of my ex-girlfriends."
• "Why can't you ever be spontaneous like your sister?"
• "You are such a jerk, just like your father."

The goal of clean communication is to resolve an issue, and negative comparisons will never do that. Negative comparisons only function to punish and attack another.

 

6. Avoid Threats

The underlying message in a threat is: you are bad and I am going to punish you.

• "If you don't want to do things on my terms, I will find another friend."
• "If you don't clean up after yourself, I'm not going to let you stay here again."
• "If you go to the bar tonight don't expect me to be here when you get back."

The initial message of "you are bad" is painful enough, but the purposeful intention to hurt someone is extremely bad for a relationship. If someone is unwilling to meet your needs, it is okay to create a plan to meet those needs yourself, but it is not okay to threaten to punish them.

 

7. DescribeYour Feelings Rather Than AttackWith Them

Use clarifying words to describe your feelings; this will help you and the other person understand your emotions much better than if you allow yourself to raise your voice to a hostel level or use sarcasm to undermine.

• "I feel sad when you tell me that you don't want to hang out with me."
• "I feel frustrated when you make decisions for me."
• "I feel violated when you tell other people my personal business."

Clean communication means keeping your voice as close to your normal tone and volume as possible. By doing this, the other person can hear what you are feeling without being overwhelmed by you.

 

8. Keep Body Language Open and Receptive

Your body language communicates a lot, sometimes more than the actual words you speak.  It also says a lot about how open and willing to communicate you are.

Poor Body Posture

When your arms are crossed, your lips pinched tight, and your are looking away, you are clearly telling the other person that you are not willing to communicate with them.

Good Body Posture

By doing things like having an open/forward leaving stance, nodding while the other person is speaking, maintaining good eye contact, and keeping your face relaxed you are clearly showing that you are saying yes to clean communication.

 

9. Use Whole Messages

Whole messages are made up of thoughts, feelings, observations, wants, and needs. Every person is entitled to their own.

Thoughts

Thoughts are your opinions and beliefs about a situation. Thoughts are not absolute truth; they are your own personal interpretation of a situation.

• My idea was...
• I wondered if...
• The way I saw it was...
• I worried that...

It is important to take responsibility for your own opinion while remaining open to listening to the other person's.

Feelings

Feelings can be one of the most important parts of a message, especially between loved ones. Feelings are simply descriptions of what your emotional status is. For a complete list of positive and negative emotions check out the Feelings Inventory.

Observations

Observations are statements of fact. They are neutral, and are presented without judgement or inference.

This place is messy and needs to be cleaned.

You're dirty. Why don't you clean up after yourself?

Wants and Needs

Expressing your wants and needs clearly is very important because nobody can ever know what you want until you tell them. Even the people who are closest to you need you to share what your wants and needs are. Nobody can read your mind.

I need to have an hour by myself to decompress from work.

I am really hungry, let's go get some lunch.

I feel awful, can you please make me some tea?

 

10. Use Clear Messages

When clear messages are used properly they separate thoughts, feelings, observations, wants, and needs from one another. Contaminated messages, on the other hand, tend to mislabel or mix these labels to create confusion and hurt.

Observation that is contaminated with judging thoughts, feelings, and needs:

Sarcastically saying, "Well, you're talkative as usual".

Clean communication:

I've notice that you have been pretty quiet tonight (observation). It makes me worried that you are not interested in me (thought), and that makes me feel a hurt and upset (feeling). I would really like to talk with you more about this issue and your feelings (need).  

 

Relationships are about building each other up, not breaking each other down. There are billions of people in the world that we can meet and decide to remain in contact with over the course of our lifetimes. Don't settle for people who enjoy trying to tear you down or don't yet have the capacity to change. Likewise, don't be the person who is constantly criticizing others and tearing them down. Spend your time and energy around people who are nice to you and make you feel better about yourself, and become that person for others. Nobody deserves your love as much as you do.